One of the guys was telling us how a co-worker of his takes turns with his wife on the weekends over caring for their baby - she will do Saturday and he will do Sunday while the other has the day off. He was saying how crazy that seemed because that way, they never get to spend time with each other! I agreed and said, "No offense, but is it really so diffiuclt taking care of a baby??" This did not go over well. It sounded like I meant it's not hard to take care of one baby as opposed to more than one baby, like I do. Not what I meant at all. I meant that I don't believe parenting, in general, is so overwhelmingly difficult that it requires a whole day off from it every week, especially if that means spending it alone. I'd like to think that most people agree with me and, had they understood my intended meaning, I think our friends would have. I know that they enjoy being parents, even through the tougher times, just like I do.
But instead, they all thought I was just being that twin mom with the chip on her shoulder, thinking people with one baby should realize how easy they have it. And the reality is, I spend a lot of time watching what I say just so people won't think that about me. Sigh.
So, two questions: Do other MoMs out there bite their tongues but inevitably slip a foot in their mouths when it comes to discussing the difficulties of parenting? And do singleton moms think that mothers of multiples are always rubbing it in that we have it harder?
I feel like as a twin mom we can get away with more. We don't need to worry as much about developmental milestones or doing tons of engaging play - it's a bit more survival (fun, but fit in chores, playtime, feeding for 2 babies...you get my drift). You definitely are cut some slack. Even in the hospital with the crankier of the twins this week it is way easier than 2 kids at home.
ReplyDeleteI have done this on accident too. Personally, I don't think my twins are that hard to take care of (um, obviously I have plenty of time to read blogs and leave comments :) However, my boys ate every two hours for thirty minutes for much, much, much longer than normal babies (twins or singletons). I felt like I had to explain to people that it was hard to breastfeed them, not because they were twins, but because they ate so freaking often. Every time I've tried to explain it the other mom inevitably assumes I'm complaining about how hard twins are and it never comes out right.
ReplyDeleteI bite my tongue when talking to singleton parents bc I never know when I might need their help. HA HA! Plus now that my boys are older and everyone is having baby #2, I can not tell you the number of friends who finally get why it was hard to have two kids.
ReplyDeleteBut no, I do not feel most singleton parents get what life if like with two the same age. I have many friends who complain about how hard their kid is and how they can't do anything. Hello? I have two. People tend to think of them as a unit and since they're twins, they must do everything the same.
That is why I write stories on my blog about the reality of twins. Like both of them screaming at the top of their lungs while we're packing up to go to urgent care. Bc in their situation, one parent would be packing up and the other parent would be consoling the crying kid.
First let me say I can't possibly imagine what it is like taking care of two young babies. I am enjoying every minute with my one but its still exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI feel like if anything MoMs complain way less...they have a better perspective on things. I understand what you meant by your commment and would not have taken offense to it.
However I do notice that some parents just need more alone time than others. I appreciate when my husband takes over and does a couple feedings/bedtimes a week. Its nice to just have some alone time while he is with the baby.
I just found your blog, and my b/g twins are the same age as yours..I spent over an hour last night catching up on your archives- we have a lot in common!
ReplyDeleteI do find myself questioning those parents of a singleton "not being able to shower"...um, what? I get a shower every day.
But I bite my tongue. Mostly because I still want their pity and hand me downs, mwuahahahaa! :)
I know just what you mean. And on the flip side, too, I have to be careful not to act like something is too easy. Then you have to deal with all the "well, you can do it with twins and I can't with one and I'm a terrible mom" junk, when, as with all kids, some are just easier with some things. Like I've never really had any problems taking my kids out to restaurants, even by myself, even when they were a year old, two years old, whenever. I know plenty of moms of singletons who find that overwhelming! (Just don't talk to me about sleeping through the night, or potty training, the two things so far that totally kicked my tush!)
ReplyDeleteoh this is hilarious. i love it. i find it so funny when i read someone else's thoughts and it's exactly what i'm thinking and it's like, "finally, there is someone who gets it!!" because i often have to watch what i say to moms of singletons so i don't come across....i don't know...snobby. but i also find myself thinking, really...i don't want to hear you complaining. i think someone mentioned the whole shower thing. i don't know why people can't take showers? i do it with two? i love it. you're doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteWow! First let me say that I spend a huge amount of time with my foot in my mouth, lol. I am always saying the "wrong" thing, but I don't find what you said offensive at all, in any context. I agree with LauraC "I do not feel most singleton parents get what life is like with two the same age"... in fact, unless you have 2 the same age it would be impossible to "get it". That is not to say that there are things about having 2 that are easier/better -- like always having a playdate etc...
ReplyDeleteI was a singleton mom for almost 4 years before becoming a MOT just 4 weeks ago and I already find myself walking on egg shells around my friends and family memebers who have only experienced life "one-at-a-time".
Oh and I do not get the not showering thing either! The only time I can't shower is when I am afriad I will find one of the girls in the trash if I leave them alone with big brother Jackson. Simple soluiton... Jackson "wahses" his toys in the sink while I shower!
Tanya
I think I'm pretty down-to-earth about parenting, and I have to acknowledge that my girls are remarkably easy to parent. I spend more time trying to perk up the people who pity me than worrying about other folks' parenting, because I *love* being Jessie and Melody's mom, even when it's exhausting and infuriating.
ReplyDeleteI tend to talk about my girls as individuals, and the challenges I face with each one, rather than focusing on the fact that there are two. I try to keep my judgments of other parents to myself, whether they have twins or not. For instance, I don't see what the big deal is about leaving the house with kids to run an errand or visit friends, but the fact that it's easy for me doesn't mean it's easy for the next person.
For instance, I can't keep a clean house, and my friends who can are kind enough to keep their thoughts to themselves ... except my dear neighbour Arleen, and the only thing she says is "Let me help". Then she zooms through my house with (one) toddler on her hip and sets everything straight.
LOL! I love this :) I think my foot is probably permanently in my mouth ;)
ReplyDeleteI think that it's a combination of a LOT of things...if I were able to take a day off each week, I might jump on it - but that's because I enjoy being alone anyway...not because I don't enjoy my kids (I see these things as very different).
I also think that how easy things are depends on the kid(s). I would have torn my hair out if my twins were "hard" ... but they weren't ...they're pretty good/easy kids. Sure we have our tough days, but *shrug*
And no - I don't get a shower every day...I also think that depends on the age of your kids. There are certain ages where it's easy to leave 'em and they'll be right where you left them...other ages where that's just not the case.
Great post :)