I hate to admit this but there are (many) days where I wish I was not a SAHM. It's not that I don't love spedning time with my kids. I do. I laugh every day. I am so happy to see their little faces in the morning. I am blessed to see the grow and learn.
But even blessings can get really old, really fast. And having your home also be your "place of work" is hard for me. When I met Billy, he worked out of his apartment. He was part of a start-up company and the other guys were in Chcago (I believe). He traveled there and Europe quite a bit but, for the most part, he was in his 600 sq. ft. one bedroom, working all day. I was astonished that he had the discipline to get anything accomplished because I knew if it were me, I would slack off and procrastinate and probably not do a very good job. I know that I need to be in a certain place and have a certain frame of mind to be productive. And I know that place is not the same place I eat and sleep and relax. So, I often feel unmotivated being at home all day.
And, if I'm being really honest, quite trapped. Having twin 13 month olds is never going to be easy, per se. But sometimes I feel that my job as their mom is exacerbated by the fact that I say at home with them all day and don't have another adult around for up to 4 days at a time. Running errands is a project, not a quick hop-in-the-car-run-into-the-store-get-what-you-need outing. Cooking is something I enjoy but lately, I just don't have the energy to cram it into the 2-hour opportunities I get during naps and after bedtime. I won't even talk about a social life.
I'm sure a lot of you are nodding along and thinking, "hey, just go back to work. We won't judge you." And sometimes I consider that. But my unique issue is that I don't have a job, or career, to go back to. I was in the middle of switching "careers" yet again (I'm so Gen Y) when we were trying to get pregnant. I wanted to become a high school math teacher and was working my way toward that goal. I got my certificate while I was working part time at a local school. Then I applied to a teacher residency program with BPS. And I got accepted! It would train me, in a classroom, for 13 months and then I would graduate to my own classroom. I would automatically have a job once I finished my residency. It was perfect. But then I got pregnant. With twins. And a hard core residency program didn't really seem to fit in with that. I would be delivering the kidlets half way through my term and I didn't want to leave my babies when they were weeks old.
So, I am kind of in limbo. I could go back to the residency program but, again, I'm pregnant so I face the same dilemma. And I'm not sure if I really want to not be a SAHM or if I just have a case of "the grass is greener on the other side." I know the struggle so many couples go through when they both work. And if something comes up with the kids, it's on me to leave work and deal with it because Billy is almost always an airplane ride away. My guess is I won't feel this way once they are in preschool. Countdown 'til Fall 2011...?