Parlez-vous "no kids!"?

It's really happening. Billy and I are going away. For 3 days. To another country. WITHOUT THE CHILDREN!

Yes, it's just Canada. And yes, its only 2 nights. But still. I am super excited. Billy and I haven't gone on a just-us trip since my friend Lena got married in NOLA when the twins were just 5 months old. And that trip was not so much for us - we were there for a wedding, after all.

Our big getaway is to Montreal. Billy was really pushing for Paris but there was just no way we could find someone(s) willing to watch the kids for long enough to make a transatlantic trip worthwhile. Anyway, neither one of us has been to Montreal and we can drive there - both big bonuses. And I can still learn some French!

Looks promising!

This vaca is happening in just a few weeks. It's a combination my-30th-birthday/our-5th-wedding-anniversary celebration. And I have so much to do before we go. I am pumping every night to build up a stockpile for Matteo but it sucks because you get so little when you pump in the late evening. I have to write a detailed list of instructions for taking care of the kids. My siblings are splitting the responsibilities so its not like I can just explain it to one person. I'm just so hard to replace. :)

Just remind me that the weeks of prep will be worth it for even just a couple nights away!

And, um, while you're at it, why don't you go on ahead, click on this little button down here, and vote for my lil' blog?? You're the best! Thanks!!

Two vs. One: Part 2

More on my thoughts about how my one baby is, as expected, way easier than two. Part 1 here.

Nursing vs. Bottle Feeding/Pumping

I hope I don't get any grief for saying so but nursing your baby is way easier than bottle feeding and especially easier than bottle feeding AND pumping. Now, don't get me wrong - I know that getting good at nursing can be really, really hard. Especially with twins. Especially with baby(ies) born early who won't latch. That being said, once you have figured things out, it is so much simpler to just pop a boob in a baby's mouth than prepare a bottle (pump and/or mix formula) and then have to worry about cleaning said bottles. So much of our time in the first month or so was devoted to those fucking bottles. And pump parts. I felt like I was living in a sea of plastic. After two months, when I finally became fed up with things and realized I would need to manage my time better once I was on my own with the twins, I figured out some short cuts to the bottle/pump madness. But even then, it's way more work than nursing a baby.

There are the downsides. No one else can feed Matteo for me. (He has only had 3 or 4 bottles in his little life). There is just a bit of anxiety over nursing in public. He still eats more often than the twins ever did. There is no real way to do it in the car, which has been an issue more times than I would have expected. But on the whole, life is so simple this way. I don't have to worry about being out too long with the twins because I don't have a bottle for the baby. I never have to run to the store because I ran out of formula or bottle liners.

I don't know how I would feel if I had the experience of nursing twins to compare this to. I imagine its very difficult to do that out in public, if only that it takes twice as long which might be uncomfortable for some. But in the first few months with the twins, I was inside most of the time anyway, just getting out for quick errands like Bjs or going for long walks, usually right after they ate. I would love to hear what moms of twins think about their successful nursing experience. Did you often feel like it was harder than bottle feeding would have been? Or did you think you had it easier because you were able to nurse?

Adieu

Yes, I have officially said good-bye to my beloved Medela Pump'N'Style Advanced breast pump and parting is such sweet sorrow. My last pump was Wednesday night and it wasn't until yesterday (Friday) that I started to feel uncomfortable. I've been forced to sleep on my back (I'm a tummy sleeper) which is all too reminiscent of my c-section recovery - bleh. But soon enough I'll deflate (I will, right??) and all will be right in the world.

And this is the last you have to hear about my weaning. Promise to get back to good stuff, like cute things 9 month olds do, and the like.

Bittersweet

I'm down to pumping twice and day and soon will only be pumping once. I'm getting about 16 ounces a day now, less than a third of where I was before I started weaning. So, lots of good progress in 10 days. I'm thinking my goal of being done by August 31st is pretty attainable although I'm sure it will come with it's fair share of discomfort.

A friend (thanks Tanya!!) has hooked me up with some free formula so we have started with that since my supply is well below what the twins drink in a day. I was all worried that they would hate the formula or have upset tummies or constipation, but no. They're fine. Like there was no change at all. Of course I'm glad that they are transitioning well but there is this part of me that wished they cared, or maybe even noticed, that this is not mommy's milk.

On the flip side, I have lots more spare time with less pumping and less cleaning of pump parts. This will also give me a bit more flexibility with being out during the day. I think that the twins could withstand a bit of disruption to their nap schedule every once in a while. Maybe Grammy and I can plan a fun day trip with S and C - suggestions??

Unrelated but still noteworthy, I (unofficially) have abdominal separation, or diastasis recti. There has been an active thread on our twin mom listserv on this topic and I asked how to tell if you have it. Well, I do. It's the width of three of my fingers (going across) so about 2-3 inches. Apparently, you have to do special exercises to fix it and a PT can show you how. Or you can get a tummy tuck. A tummy tuck is out of the question at this point. So, I'm thinking about contacting a PT but I don't know when I will see this person. Billy's Fridays have been very busy and no one in the world works on weekends anymore. It's times like these when I really wish I had trained a sitter so I could call her up and have her cover me for silly things like doctor's appointments. Training someone just always seemed like a big investment and I rarely need a sitter so I didn't think it was worth it. I know everyone is going to yell at me and say "GET A SITTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!" but for me, its not so easy. I have irrational control/money hang ups that make relinquishing my parenting duties and forking over $15-20/hour really difficult. And I know, I need to get over it. Perhaps this PT business will get me going. *doubtful*

Weaning Progress

I know this is not such a fun topic but I just want to have a record of how it all went down. I have been trying to research weaning from the pump but have not had success. There is so little info out there on exclusively pumping and even less on how to stop!

So, today is day 4 of weaning. I was going to drop to 4 pumps but, based on the timing, it made more sense to go down to 4. So, I pump when I wake up, during the twins' second nap and lastly before I go to sleep at night. I try not to pump any more than 15 minutes so that I don't empty all the way but its hard - it doesn't feel right to stop when you still have that fullness.

My production has decreased but not by much yet. Yesterday, I think I produced around 45-48 oz, down from 54. I feel like its going to be really painful to drop that midday pump. Not sure when I should drop it. I think when I get down to around 30 oz I can drop to 2 pumps without getting too engorged. I have a history of plugged ducts and have had to do some mini-in-between pumps the past couple days so that it doesn't get out of hand.

I read that sage tea helps decrease milk production, as well as peppermint and cabbage leaves in the bra (thanks, Sadia!!). Beyond that, I'm not sure what else I can do. This seems to be harder than increasing supply - go figure!

My goal is to be done by the end of the month - I'm not sure if that is realistic. I also don't know how long it will be before I get my dear friend back, if you know what I mean. Another goal over which I have no control.

Isn't it lovely, being a woman? *Sigh*

100th Post: Decisions, Decisions

I have decided to stop pumping. There. Variety of reasons but everyone is happy. So far. I have been pumping 5 times a day and today I will drop down to 4. Not sure how long it will take overall. If you have tips/advice/warnings, I'd gladly accept them.

And now I have to buy formula...hmmm...

Mastitis and Canine Hemorrhoids

OK, so I think the title has given you all the info you really need. My lovely staycation has been interrupted by me getting some kind of infected blister on my boobage (thanks Medela!) which pretty much knocked me on my ass all day. Saw the Dr., got some antibiotics and will be fine in a day or so. Resting until then.

Later on, when Billy got back from Daddy Duty, talking the twins and the pug on their daily jaunt, he notified me of the giant hemorrhoid Lola had - and it was bleeding. Oh Joy! Called the vet, she said to bring the dog in. Well, 20 minutes and $160 later, they were back with instructions and medications. One antibiotic, one topical ointment and one other ointment which must be...inserted. And we have to come back in one week to check it out again. We also have to add Metamucil to her food. So, apparently she is a 75 year old trapped in a pug's body.

So, please don't come to our house because you will have a 2 in 5 chance of developing some sort of sore or boil on your body.

If It Ain't Broke...

I've always believed that life was as hard as you make it. To be sure, people get dealt raw deals but in general, I think we have a lot of control over our lives. With that in mind, I feel many people make their lives more difficult than they need to be. I always wondered why people do this, until I found myself doing that very same thing.

A few months ago, my emotions got the better of me. I was still upset about not breastfeeding that I figured I would try, just one last time, to make it work. I had been stressing about it for so long, pretty much since the day the twins came home from the hospital. They had been in the Special Care Nursery for nearly 2 weeks, but it seemed like an eternity. And the only thing keeping them there was eating. Well, not eating, really.

Their prematurity (34 weekers) didn't have any huge "health" impacts on them when they were born but they were small and tired and didn't really know how to suck and eat. My C-section kept me in the hospital for 4 days but then I had to go home. I had been "nursing" them at almost every feeding and some days we had a bit of success and other times we didn't. But when I went home, I could only go to the hospital once a day for a few hours because my blood pressure was still quite high and I was basically on bed rest. That left very little opportunity to breastfeed - at most, 2 feedings per day. And usually we just tried once because we didn't want to wear them out.

The last few days they were in the hospital, we had a lot of success with the breastfeeding. But still, the lactation consultant said in the first week at home we should still just do it once a day, since that is what they were used to. And then work our way up from there. I think that was the beginning of the end for us. When your babies have only been alive for 11 days, a week seems like an eternity! I had no idea what to make of that advice. Do I do it twice a day for the second week? Or do I just do it all the time after that? There was no road map for transitioning to all breastfeeding.

The second blow came when we had our first visit with the pediatrician. The babies had been eating pumped breast milk with high calorie formula powder added to bulk them up. Now, it doesn't take a genius to realize that if they need these extra calories, then breastfeeding isn't really an option. It's not like I can inject my breasts with formula powder. So, I was hoping that she would say we could stop the extra calories or at least cut back. No such luck. I was crushed. How would I ever do this if I had to keep giving them these extra calories??

And that's how we ended up here. I'm pumping exclusively for my twins. A while back, I tried to get them back on the breast. And I did, sort of. I bought the nipple shields which make real nipples more like bottle nipples. The babies sometimes accepted it, other times not so much. But I was a day late and a dollar short, so to speak. They were already 4 months old. I was on my own with them for the better part of the week. I had already established a very smooth routine around pumping and feeding and, with the exception of my lingering guilt/sadness/longing, everyone was happy. And when you are outnumbered by infants, changing your routine (especially one that is working!) is beyond difficult.

It's obvious to me why I tried to make my life so much more difficult. I felt like a failure. Scratch that: I feel like a failure. And for those of you who know me, you know I don't fail. I ace tests, I get into the best schools, I get job offers. Heck, I even get boy/girl twins! But I can't breastfeed. I fail.

And the guilt and disappointment in myself is what propelled me to try and recapture my goal, even though everything was going so well. And that was stupid. It's not like me to make my life harder than it needs to be. But I simply could not reconcile those feelings. I have since given up on that goal and realized the error of my ways. That certainly doesn't mean I am over all these emotions - it just means I have decided to not let them interfere with our daily life as I had been. Our life is good, the twins are so happy and healthy - there is no reason to screw around with a good thing. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! I can put this in the "lessons learned the hard way" column.

Whew. I feel better now. Thanks.

I had a dream...

I dreamt that there was a group of people, like a social action group, that was trying to get the government to ban lactation rooms. I was, of course, against this idea being that I am a lactating person and like the idea of a room dedicated to me and other lactators. Not that I need one since I don't go to an office every day. My whole house is one giant, unapologetic lactation room. But still, I'm pro-lactation rooms, for those working moms.

Anyway, in the dream, one of the anti-lactation room activists said the only reason women breastfeed is so they can have big boobs. I countered with "I breastfeed and I already had big boobs! Now they are too big and I hate it - so there!!" I even had a witness to verify my pre-lactating, pre-pregnancy chest size. Not sure who this person was - you know how dreams are...

So, what do you think? Is this some sort of Freudian dream? Does it mean I want to keep "lactating" or stop? Or is it just a pile of subconscious crap?

Makes My Monday: Easter and some TMI

I'm so lucky because I have TWO things Making My Monday this week. Let's start with yesterday - Easter! We had an impromptu family get-together with a surprise visit from my grandmother, now Great Grammy. All four generations had a great big brunch at my house. It was a nice day but not very Easter-y. With no little kids, there were no died eggs, no baskets filled with candy, no egg hunts. Just grown-ups, chowin' down and infants doing what they do - drinking milk, napping, crying, repeat. So, to make things feel a little more festive, I tortured my twins and got some great Easter pics. Here is my favorite:

(They actually LOVED the grass and I may have to keep it around as one of their favorite "toys" - Sebastian sat in that basket for about 30 minutes, happy as could be, so it really wasn't torture. I promise.)

***

The other thing making my Monday is breastfeeding. Yes, that's right. Breastfeeding. As some of you know (because you know me IRL or have read other posts about it), I have been pumping exclusively for my twins since they came home from the hospital. There were a myriad of reasons why I pumped and bottle fed instead of just breastfeeding. Now that my babes are almost 5 months old, a lot of those reasons are no longer a concern. And for a while now, I have been thinking about switching to breastfeeding but, to be honest, it seemed kind of overwhelming. They eat at the same time right now so how do I teach them to latch without feeding them one at a time? How do I know if they are getting enough? Will I still have to pump and feed them bottles after they breastfeed?

Well, I finally got up the courage to at least try and had my first bit of success this morning. With the help of a nipple shield (which I just bought this weekend, at last!!), Collette latched on just fine while Sebastian took a bottle with the help of the Milk Maid. After BFing for about 10-15 minutes, she took about an ounce from her bottle and was done! I felt so accomplished!! As the week goes on, I will try to breastfeed more often and hope that one day, I will be just breastfeeding and can use bottles for special circumstances. I am open to ANY and ALL advice from BFing moms out there as to how to make this transition work. I may see an LC but I'm a do-it-yourself kind of girl and love advice from real moms who have gone through these things themselves.

So, a very good Monday here in the Soto household! Check in at Twinfatuation to see how everyone else's Mondays are going.

Feed me Seymour!

Once you tell your family and friends that you are pregnant, the barrage of advice and wisdom start to flow your way. Everyone is more than happy to share their stories with you - unsolicited or otherwise. Yet, even with all the advice we get, so many people started sentences with "no one ever told me <> would happen!" My SIL told me that she never knew her hair would fall out after she had her baby. A friend of mine said she never knew how much labor would hurt in her back. Others remarked how surprised they were to learn how much breastfeeding hurt. It seemed as though pregnant women and new moms were holding back on us newcomers.

I, too, have had surprises. No one ever told me how much babies fart. Ya, you hear about the burps but who wants to think about their cute little bundle of joy cutting the cheese? No one ever told me that my babies would have boogers - and not the snot kind. Real ones that you have to pick out. Not so cute. (Ok - maybe sometimes it's cute. But everything is with babies!)

But, the most shocking thing that no one ever told me is how HUNGRY I would be! Yes, they all told stories about how much they ate while they were pregnant, or the crazy, midnight pregnancy-induced cravings but no one mentioned how it is after the babies come. Since the day my milk came in, I have been pumping around the clock to feed these two tiny babies. And as they got bigger, so did my milk supply. By the time the twins were a month old, I was pumping 60 ounces a day! I did the math - at 20 calories per ounce, I was removing 1200 calories per day from my body. That's like running 2 hours...everyday...for three months...no days off...

Needless to say, I'm tired. But more importantly, I'm hungry!! I dream of taking a nap when the babies nap but, by the time I'm done pumping, I'm famished. I walk downstairs and stare at the fridge in vain because I know it holds nothing that will truly satisfy me. I'll make a quesadilla with beans and avocado. Inhale it. 20 minutes later, I'm back at the fridge. Let's try carbs this time. Toast with peanut butter. Or a bagel with cream cheese. Gone in a few bites. By this time, it's only noon and all I can think about is how hungry I am for lunch. Sigh. The fridge is getting emptier but the hunger remains, undeterred by my futile attempts to subdue it. And the day is only half over...

On the bright side, all this calorie burning has done wonders for removing those pregnancy pounds. I am one of the lucky ones - got back to my pre-pregnancy weight after just a few weeks postpartum. Now I'm below my pre-pregnancy weight (please don't yell at me!) but most of that came from butt. I now have what my father loving calls a "Gumby" ass. Love you, too, Dad. I can live with that, though - small price to pay to fit into my jeans again.

So, for anyone out there reading this who is expecting, or wnats to be expecting some time in the future - consider yourself warned. Stock up the fridge, put the pizza delivery place on speed dial, teach your husband how to cook your favorite foods, whatever it takes to keep your belly full. You'll be glad you did it!

Now, if I could only get rid of these stretch marks...